ATLANTA, GA– CNN’s Don Lemon remains in critical condition after an intern called him ‘Donald’ on Thursday. Doctors say Lemon is lucky to be alive after suffering two strokes, a grand mal seizure, and soiling himself.
Those who witnessed the attack are also shaken up.
“I’ve never seen anything like it. That intern walked right up to Don and was like, ‘here’s your coffee, DONALD!’ and Don grabbed his chest and collapsed,” Poppy Harlow said with a thousand-yard stare. “We didn’t know the extent of his injury, but we could tell he soiled his pants immediately.”
As Lemon rehabs, CNN is scrambling to fill his time slot. “People turn on Don’s show when they leave the house, so their pets don’t feel lonely,” an executive said. “The recklessness of that intern is going to make dozens of cats have a little anxiety. Plus, we’ll need to hire professional carpet cleaners for where Don soiled himself.”
Update: Per CNN policy, the intern was terminated and executed via firing squad.
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