WASHINGTON, DC – Republicans are claiming Democrats’ new preferred method of voting, vote-by-raccoon, is unreliable. Another wild conspiracy theory from the GOP.
“The idea that America’s wonderful raccoon population cannot be trusted to deliver the will of the people is preposterous,” Pelosi said. “They will warm our hearts as they scamper door to door collecting Joe Biden’s ballots—I mean the ballots.”
Dr. Fauci has also endorsed the new way of voting. “I have looked at the data, and besides protesting by the thousands without wearing a mask, Americans interacting with wild, rabies-filled raccoons is among the healthiest activities possible,” the brilliant doctor informed.
Many Republicans are pointing out that all raccoons are Democrats. “They sleep all day and steal at night!” Rep Matt Gaetz yelled slapping the table. “Our founding fathers would have never allowed a vote-by-raccoon system! Eagles, maybe! But never raccoons!”
Mitt Romney addressed the controversy by saying he thinks the president’s vote-by-raccoon idea is ‘another stupid idea from a stupid man’. But when he was informed that it was actually the Democrats’ proposal he quickly reversed course saying, “Actually, I’ve always said, let the critters run the show this November! Why is Trump acting so immature again?!”
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