David French: 'The Conservative Case For Colorful Fentanyl Tablets Mixed In With Your Kid's Halloween Candy'

David French: 'The Conservative Case For Colorful Fentanyl Tablets Mixed In With Your Kid's Halloween Candy'

David French, a guest contributor, wrote the following piece:

It’s been a few years since I famously called drag queen story hour a ‘blessing of liberty.’ The comment ruffled some feathers, but real conservatives like Lindsey Graham will still greet me with a warm embrace. Therefore I’d say that remark is aging like a fine wine. So, because I’ve still got that French-ian magic, everybody strap on for even more wisdom:  

Dangerous MAGA extremists are up-in-arms about colorful fentanyl tablets flooding the candy market. With Halloween around the corner, reasonable people predict these drugs will be peppered into their children’s candy bags.

It is true, and real conservatives ought to welcome this development. Christians, in particular, ought to embrace the fentanyl in the same way that drag queens embrace unsuspecting third-graders in our blessed public schools.

Before you dismiss my stance, ask yourself this question:  If the free market can provide kids with candy corn, why can’t the Mexican cartels turn a profit with a little Oxycodone?

Show me where in the Bible it says Christians should be guaranteed a narcotics-free Halloween for their kids. I’m waiting. In fact, the word “Fentanyl” doesn’t even appear in the Hebrew language. But you know what is in the Bible? The phrase, “One man’s gobstopper is another kid’s puberty blocker.” I wrote that in my Bible last Sunday when my pastor was passionately showing us a VeggieTales DVD.   

Despite the unshakeable evidence I’ve laid out, I can still hear the faint cries of over twelve million enraged conservatives loudly insulting me on Twitter. If that’s you, ask yourself:  Have you seen my frames? They’re the glasses smart people wear. To borrow the words Robert Mueller should have said in the Trump/Russia case: “Case closed” (Trump did it.)

In closing, this year, I will spend the Halloween week with rock-ribbed conservative Lindsey Graham. He’s not afraid of ingesting fentanyl tablets. No. In fact, he told me we will have “fistfuls of fun.” I’ve never heard anyone anticipate their Halloween candy bag with such enthusiasm. So, this fall, try to worry less about the safety of your children and focus more on being like Lindsey and me.

When it comes to conservative values, we’re in the hot tub of decency. So come on in. The water is lukewarm.    


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