Joe Biden’s very public New Years Resolution of refraining from sneaking up behind Kamala Harris and massaging her shoulders has come to an end.
“I gave it a tremendous effort and I think we’re all impressed with how long I was able to last,” Biden told the press. “I think my resilience and self-control is why the Democrat counties in the four swing states elected me.”
Donald Trump was not impressed with Biden’s short streak of not touching Harris and fired off the following tweet:
“Pathetic! Your favorite President wouldn’t come within 100 yards of Stinky Kamala. I would rather give Mike Pence a massage over her. Although, that’s not saying much as Mike is FAR MORE physically gifted than Harris! NOT CLOSE!”
The media was very upset at Trump’s response and quickly created the Excellence In Self Control and Preservation of Personal Space award. Fictional President, Joe Biden narrowly beat out Harvey Weinstein and Anthony Weiner and captured the prestigious honor. Upon receiving the medal from CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Biden did the thing where he softy bit Cooper’s outstretched hand, and the two men stood in awkward silence.
Kamala Harris, when asked for comment, delighted our hearts with one of her four-minute-long cackles. But she then got a very serious look on her face and sternly whispered “Soon.”