BURBANK, CA — The lyrics of ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ have been updated for a more equitable and sensitive America. Soon you’ll be hearing the new version titled ‘Hoe, It’s [Explicit] Freezing, Best Getcha Jacket!’
Written and performed by the rapper 2 Chainz, the new version will hit radio airwaves this week. In the name of holiday spirit, nearly all radio stations have agreed to air the song’s unedited version, which contains a record of 152 f-words and 102 n-words.
The rap artist was invited to the White House to debut the more appropriate song. Always the showman, Mr. Chainz continuously fired off two pistols into the air as he sang. Soon the falling bullets served as a type of festive snowfall for the progressive crowd.
Of course, the updated version has its detractors. For example, fictional President Biden has openly wondered why the song has ‘so few’ n-words. But the most common criticism is the removal of the flirtatious couple debating on extending their evening in front of the fireplace, being replaced with the new version’s profanity-laced attack on a woman with an extensive description of her badunkadunk.
“I’m not sure about the new one,” said 30-year-old Donna Madison of Spokane, Washington. “I love to sing along with Christmas songs, but this version has so many n-words I find it difficult.”
However, when Donna was reminded of the shocking and graphic lyrics of the original (For example: “Mind if I move in closer?”), she was quickly coerced into admitting these changes were ‘more inclusive,’ or else she would be fired from her job, labeled a ‘Karen,’ and her Facebook deactivated.
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