WASHINGTON, DC— On behalf of all Republicans, legitimate Trump supporter, Ray Epps has offered to charge the FBI offices in a rage-filled act of revenge.
“Don’t worry! I’ll handle this, you guys! Tomorrow, I’ll go INTO the offices and fix this!” he yelled to several random guys. “I’ll go because I’ve got a reserved parking spot at the Bureau that’s close — I mean, MAGA!”
As per usual, when Epps got close to the FBI building, a team of Capitol Police opened the doors for him, and other agents ushered him in.
“Watch your step Mr. Epps—err, I mean dangerous stranger,” an officer said, holding his elbow while taking Ray up the stairs. Naturally, once the extremist was inside the building, a Capitol Police officer spotted a young woman outside and shot her dead.
“When I held the door open [for Epps], I called my wife and told her goodbye. I looked death square in the eye, and I barely escaped with my life,” an officer told CNN while weeping.
Update: After nine hundred FBI agents investigated the event, Epps, who’s been staying at Liz Cheney’s house for the last six years, will face no charges.
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