Just one in one million humpback whales are completely white, and marine scientists were thrilled to spot one in the East Bay near Oakland on Wednesday.
Naturally, a member of the Oakland Antifa chapter shot the whale directly in the blowhole the moment it breached the surface.
Many believed the researchers provoked the shooting after openly marveling at the whale’s ‘impeccable’ credit score and disdain of Critical Race Theory. “Oooh, would you just look at its rugged individualism!” they admired.
“It also didn’t help that a regular dark-skinned humpback showed up, and they called the coastguard on it,” said an onlooker who witnessed the event.
“Yeah, we shoot anything that’s that white,” informed the armed Antifa member. “That whale needs to read the room. Showboating your whiteness in front of actual boats? Not the political climate for that. So we did what any rational terrorist group would do when confronted with a whale that reminds us of white people. We shot it with a gun.”
Update: After getting shot, the whale issued an apology. He admitted he’s got a lot of listening and learning to do, and he committed to changing his ways for the remaining thirty seconds of his life.