Having a few crazy conspiracy theories is a nice thing for any country to have. But sadly for Americans, we cannot have nice things. Now that even the wildest conspiracies have been proven 100% true, Americans everywhere have turned their attention to the friggin’ frogs to see if they’re all turning gay.
“Look, I know it’s crazy to say the coastal elites want to turn all the friggin’, frogs gay but it was also crazy to think they’d shut all our churches down last year. So now we watch and wait,” a well-informed Texas man said peering over a branch at a pair of Red-Spotted Toads.
Despite the increased attention, observing the level of homosexual activity in the friggin’ frogs is proving to be difficult.
“We don’t have a baseline of gayness yet.” Mike Huckabee commented. “For instance, I was looking at some friggin’ frogs this morning, and one of them walked to the other side of the branch by stepping on all the other friggin’ frogs. Flirty behavior to be sure, but was he turned gay? We can’t know for sure. It’s for the Supreme Court to decide now.”
For decades, determining homosexual levels within the animal kingdom was done by airing footage of figure skating alongside an NFL game. “Whichever screen grabbed their interest. It was so simple back then,” a zoologist said. “But now, with the NFL’s new marketing slogan: ‘Straight Men? Who Needs ‘Em!’, it’s more difficult than ever to know.”
Update: The following video was assembled for the Supreme Court to assist them in their ruling: