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Sex, Drugs, Gambling: Why Hunter Biden Is Forever Banned From Puppy Bowl

Sex, Drugs, Gambling: Why Hunter Biden Is Forever Banned From Puppy Bowl

Forbidden from attending the Super Bowl, White House staffers made arrangements to send Hunter Biden to the next best thing.  The Animal Planet’s pre-recorded Puppy Bowl game.

The charm of Puppy Bowl 2021 was quickly sucked out of the studio when a plastered Hunter Biden crashed his Audi into the side of the building, killing two audio technicians.

“Oh, that’s mmmm, good.  Just have their dad pay for it,” a hardly functioning Hunter yelled stumbling out of his car with six escorts.

Per White House instructions, Hunter and the girls were allowed to watch from a distance as the puppies tussled about.  However, they were asked to move further back after Hunter put a cigarette out on the head of Winston the pug. 

“Whoa—that thing was alive?” Hunter said as the dog yelped.  “Must not be too wasted yet.  But regardless, I’m not paying child support for this.”

Through the series of piercing racial slurs and gunshots, the puppies struggled to find their playful spirit.  Rumors began swirling around the studio that Hunter had wagered the state of Iowa on “the cats”, and panic was setting in once he used that famous Biden intellect to realize the game only featured dogs. 

“Having him here was such a disaster.  At one point a cameraman noticed Hunter’s hair had completely caught fire.  He was on so many drugs he didn’t notice or care,” a producer said.

The entourage was finally asked to leave after the staff noticed there were far too many white marker lines on the pretend football field. 

“Yeah, those are mine.  Let me take care of those,” Hunter said approaching the field with a rolled-up hundred dollar bill.