SEATTLE, WA – America’s favorite pair of athletes have retired from whatever sports they were trying to play. And now, they have a new mission: Completely end sports for all women.
“We don’t need these anymore,” Rapinoe said about all women’s leagues. “Have you seen the endorsement check I got from Subway? There are literally zero reasons for me to care anymore. I have the money! I’m done with soccer, and the women’s fields could be paved and turned into Home Depots for all I care.”
Speaking at the world-renowned conference for female sports, U.N.W.A.T.C.H.A.B.L.E. (which stands for: Uplifting Nurturing Women’s Athleticism Teaches Confidence Hope And Bravery Leads Empowerment), the two stars were giving these heartfelt comments over the sound of weeping young female athletes.
“If you girls would stop crying, I could finish my remarks!” Bird yelled into the microphone. “What I’m trying to tell you is, once a person reaches fame and riches, you no longer need the metaphorical ladder you used to reach these heights. So the ladder can be pulled up behind me. I don’t need it anymore!”
Eventually, the loud weeping of the devastated young girls became too much, and Rapinoe and Bird asked if all the girls could be replaced with young men.
Once the transition was made, the order was restored as not one boy cried. However, once the young men were told the guest speakers were “athletes,” the auditorium was filled with laughter.
Update: The conference concluded with Rapinoe and Bird playing a two-on-two basketball game with some third-grade boys—who beat them 62-2.
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