LOS ANGELES, CA–After the first few checks clear from his defamation winnings, sharp-shooter and all-around man’s man, Kyle Rittenhouse, has vowed to purchase the Los Angeles Lakers.
This is terrible news for LeBron James. Especially after the details found in the young billionaire’s press release.
“Like the streets of Kenosha, I will purge all the weak-minded, pathetic race hustlers on the Lakers’ roster,” Kyle’s statement read. “Naturally, I will also double as the team’s full-time bodyguard.”
“I’ll be honest, I think I was wrong about the great Mr. Rittenhouse,” James said, trying to protect his wealth and roster spot. “You know me, I’ve always just shut up and dribbled. Also, I want to take this time to remind everyone I believe gun rights is good and white people ain’t the devil.”
Sadly for LeBron, while making those remarks, he was wearing a shirt that read: End Gun Rights! And White People Are The Devil!
NBA reporters are noting that while Kyle has enough money to buy the team, it would drain nearly all of his capital.
After hearing this, Kyle said, “Oh, not a problem,” as he flipped on a nearby TV.
“I know for a fact that Kyle Rittenhouse is Ben Carson in white-face,” CNN’s Don Lemon claimed.
“There. There’s another $800 million for walking around armed money,” he said as the reporters fumed.
Fictional president Joe Biden commented on Kyle’s upcoming purchase and stated he would accelerate inflation “as much as possible” to reduce his buying power.
Update: Rittenhouse’s winnings are coming in, and he has demanded the cable networks deliver his money “Obama-Style,” which is flying the cash to him at midnight on pallets.
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