This week, Colin Kaepernick gathered around reporters and explained that rich, white, mean men were holding him down. The sports community largely argued that Kaepernick wouldn’t win over any scouts with that entitled and demanding attitude.
But the talking heads on ESPN were wrong. One scout was watching. Carefully balancing his head on an oddly thin neck, one Adam Schiff waddled to his phone immediately after seeing Kaepernick’s press conference.
“Get me that beautiful minority!” Schiff yelled to his staff. “He will do exquisite work dismantling Trump on the witness stand. I simply must have him!”
As arrangements were being made to fly the former 49er quarterback to Washington, Schiff and his staff were carefully reviewing Kaepernick’s press conference footage.
“Right there!” Schiff abruptly yelled pausing the footage and directing his staff to look at the monitor.
“Did you see that? The brave, poofy haired man was asked why he made offensive comments towards the police and he maneuvered flawlessly away from the question and blamed society! Wow. We’re looking at a real pro here,” Schiff said while drawing a large circle on the TV screen around the athlete’s face.
When news broke that Kaepernick was being called to testify, it was a surprise to many. In fact, even Nancy Pelosi needed to be convinced.
Reports are Pelosi became completely on-board when it was explained to her that this young athlete had exactly as much first-hand knowledge of Trump’s phone call as Ambassador Yovanovitch. Secondly, when she learned that this young man was African-American she became very excited.
“Looks like the walls are closing in on Trump again!” she yelled to Schiff while high-fiving him.