It’s been said many times: “The cyclists will always be on our streets, annoying everyone and damn near killing themselves at every turn.”
While the author of that famous saying is unknown, what we do know is a German woman, using only a thin piece of cardboard and a heart of gold showed us things could be different.
By now you’ve seen the footage:
Throughout America, dozens of mayors are now facing pressure to hire the mysterious woman to forever sweep the cyclists off their roadways. Currently, Boulder, Colorado leads the bidding war with a starting salary of $2.3 million; but Boise, Idaho is rumored to be making a late push for the woman’s services.
“She took out over 200 cyclists in under five seconds. That’s a year’s work for me,” a driver in Tucson, Arizona said. “We should pay anything for that type of production.”
Cyclists, who are still under the impression that they are small automobiles, remain furious with the woman’s actions.
“That piece of cardboard could’ve taken out any truck or large SUV!” A Tour de France participant yelled while still stuck in some shrubbery “Why do these American cities want her services so badly? Us cyclists show nothing but caution and respect on the roadways.”
Update: For knocking out so many ‘weak and pathetic losers’, Donald Trump has hired the woman as his chief campaign manager for his 2024 run.