ATLANTA, GA— On Thursday, a shaken up CNN+ intern was seen writing a large zero on a sign that read “Days since Jeffrey Toobin accidentally masturbated to an unsuspecting audience.”
Yes, it was a horribly graphic night after Lubin’ Toobin’ (as he’s referred to in the industry) felt as if he was all alone due to CNN+’s unthinkably low viewership stats. With an entire camera crew filming him live, he then performed an unspeakable act.
“I told myself there was only a 15-20% chance of putting myself in that position again!” A depressed Toobin said about the event. “I was embarrassed enough. They didn’t have to yell ‘cut!’ right after and startle me!”
After apologizing to the crew, Jeffrey walked into a producer’s meeting, slammed a handful of cash on the table, and yelled, “I’m out!”
Thankfully, the Toobster’s finely tuned instinct was accurate; no one was watching CNN+. But that fact didn’t calm down a furious Chris Wallace.
“I left my Sunday show at Fox to hold the boom mic over Jeff as he did that?” Wallace screamed. “I’m a cable news star! I once passed Tucker Carlson—yes, the Tucker Carlson in the hallway. He was even fully clothed!”
Update: During Wallace’s rant, an executive told him to ‘shut up’ and explained his job was now to follow Toobin around with a mop.
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