OAK PARK, IL — After twenty-one years at FOX 32 Chicago, beloved anchorman Herb Swanson has decided to call it quits after opting to die from being shot over a dozen times by a local gang.
FOX 32, which is heavily subsidized by the state of Illinois, is frequently accused of slanting stories to favor Democrat talking points.
Following the death of their anchorman, the station aired the following farewell piece:
“We all loved Herb Swanson. Which is why everyone at FOX 32 was saddened to learn he was going in a different direction with his life. Mainly, by not having one. His decision came shortly after he was assigned to do a story on Chicago gang violence. Unfortunately, Herb forgot the chief rule of journalism, which is not to become the story. He was shot thirteen times by a mostly peaceful drive-by shooting and has officially sacrificed his chair at the anchor desk. Many believe he did so to open up an opportunity for a female woman of color. There is a lot of uncertainty in our world right now, but all of us at FOX 32 know one thing for sure: Herb Swanson will not work here anymore.”
Update: Following a new Illinois bill legalizing crime, many economists predict a wave of Chicagoans will soon quit their jobs too.
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