It’s tough being a CNN viewer. You’ve not left your parents’ house in five months, loud noises give you panic attacks and none of Facebook’s fifty-six genders seem to fit you. But good news is on the way. Today the most trusted name in news announced that a bouncy ball would accompany everything said on CNN so their viewers can follow along.
“OK, is everyone ready?” Brian Stelter began his show Credible Anonymous Sources, I Promise. “Let’s take this nice and slow. Trump. Is. The. Reason. Your. Life. Is. Awful.” The producers masterfully placed the red bouncing ball on each word as over forty viewers tuned-in in amazement.
Early results for this creative technique are promising. Normally about a dozen people in airports will snap and attack a TV showing CNN. However, airport TV demolishing was in the single digits as the bouncing ball format debuted.
“We’re blessed with the smartest audience around, but at the same time, they seem to need an enormous amount of help getting through a CNN show,” Stelter admitted. “Tens of millions of my loyal viewers haven’t watched in years because our world has been turned upside down by this administration. However, the next time Sean Hannity accuses me of not having ‘any balls’ I can finally tell him I’ve got one big red one.”