ATLANTA, GA–On Wednesday, a 13-year-old professional dog whistle hearer was brought on to CNN’s airwaves to help identify any racist dog whistles the network may have missed.
A yellow lab named Winston gingerly hopped up onto a chair next to Don Lemon. The dog was asked to carefully listen to the following clip of Governor, Ron Desantis:
“I believe our kindergartners shouldn’t be given sex-change operations.”
Before the sound clip could even finish, a high-pitched howling was heard from the studio set. Except the loud cry was coming from Don Lemon, as he plugged his ears and aggressively shook his head from side-to-side.
“Oh, for [explicit] sake! Did you hear that, Winston?! It was so clearly a racist dog whistle!” Lemon yelled at the old dog.
But like many involved with CNN, Winston had fallen asleep. The producers thought this was even better. They were sure the next audio clip from Donald Trump would be so dog-whistle-y it would dramatically awaken the dog.
“Hunter… Can you believe Hunter? Now there’s a dandy. Hunter Biden smoked all the crack and Parmesan cheese in Delaware, got completely naked, and fired a gun into a crowd. Boundaries, Hunter! It’s called… boundaries.”
Again, it was only Lemon who howled.
“How are your ears not bleeding, Winston?! That was like the most racist thing I’ve ever heard!”
The segment flopped and CNN realized Winston had no ability to identify a racist.
However, when a brief clip of Nancy Pelosi aired, the dog stood to his feet and began barking wildly.
“Oh, don’t mind ol’ Winston! He’s clearly on the fritz!” Lemon yelled over the dog’s belligerent growling and woofing.
Update: Assumed to be from the dog, a rather large pile of poop was found in a CNN hallway. But it was sadly learned President Joe Biden was in the building and he had dropped that off before heading to be interviewed by Anderson Cooper.
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