NEW YORK–CNN’s New Year’s special titled “2023: That Oughta Do It!” was dedicated to the network’s amazing progress towards destroying the nation. And because CNN has become ground zero for people dropping the ball, they actually trounced all the other broadcasts in the ratings. In fact, the network had become so accustomed to only reaching a few dozen people all of their equipment overheated and eventually caught fire.
“I honestly haven’t seen CNN since my layover in Phoenix last year,” Paul Harrison told The Glorious American. “But their team got so much experience dropping the ball with lies like ‘Jesse Smollett was attacked’ and ‘Michelle Obama is a woman,’ so it was an easy call to watch them.”
Although CNN is basking in its one-night rating success, the evening was not without its problems. Most glaring was their decision to cut away from the countdown with the following exchange:
“Ok, here we go!” a giddy Anderson Cooper squealed. “10! 9! 8! 7! 6! –but you know what?” Cooper suddenly said in a thoughtful tone. “Speaking of the number six, are we missing the real story here? And that is, did January 6th destroy democracy forever?”
Seconds later, a series of fireworks and shouting derailed the GOP-bashing segment and startled Cooper.
“It’s happening! This is probably QAnon bombing us!” Cooper screamed, diving under the table.
Update: Jake Tapper has issued an apology for stripping naked and screaming, “Yeah, baby! Who’s the immature idiot now, Trump?!” into the camera.
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