The next time you find yourself in a Democrat-run city, you’ll no doubt want to remember this trick for when you’re brutally assaulted.
The brilliant life hack came from Sam Larson of Portland, Oregon. As Sam was being chased and beaten with a crowbar, he knew only the bravest and most intimidating force known to man could save him from Antifa: The Portland Police department.
Sadly for the taxpayers, the Portland police only respond to extremely serious things these days, like opening up a sandwich shop or teaching a child math. Knowing this, Sam quickly whipped off his facemask, stopping Antifa in their tracks.
“Yo, dude. We’re in the middle of a pandemic. We’re trying to beat you to death, and you’re making us feel unsafe. You mind showing a little respect and putting your mask on?” a member said.
After Sam refused, Antifa was forced to report the reckless act to the police.
While the police’s arrival slowed the assault down a bit, Sam now faces all new problems.
“I haven’t been on a call this serious since someone reported one of our local streets hadn’t been painted with ‘Black Lives Matter’ yet,” an officer said. “Ever since Ted Wheeler decriminalized crime, we’ve seen a major drop in crime. All we have left is hate crimes, and this guy not wearing a mask outdoors is a Shapiro-level hate crime. Maybe even a Giuliani.”
Update: The judge went lenient on Sam since much of his blood was used to paint ‘Black Lives Matter’ on the street.