LOS ANGELES, CA–It looks like all American sports are on hold until LeBron James can personally make the rounds to each precinct and tell the cops how to do their job.
“I’m excellent at basketball so my friends tell me that means I’m excellent at law enforcement too,” LeBron explained to the LAPD. “And irregardless of training, I sure as hell know how to be a good cop. Probably gooder than all you.”
As LeBron flipped a large piece of paper over his clipboard, the officers caught a glimpse of his six-step program to ensure better police conduct.
“It’s called the L.E.B.R.O.N.,” James said thrilled with himself as he explained.
“L: Leave us alone. We’re black. We’ve been through enough and we’re always innocent.”
“E: Everything will be solved if you give us reparations. I’m 75% sure of it.”
“B: Bow to us.”
“R: Run everything by China first. This will be good accountability and a great way to earn money.”
“O: Every last cop is racist.”
“N: [racial slur], Please!”
Upon hearing this, the officers seemed both annoyed and confused.
“Wait a minute, LeBron. This won’t keep our streets safe!” a policeman yelled. “What are we suppose to do with ‘N-word, please’? And “O” isn’t even part of the acronym—it’s just an insult!”
“How dare you insult Akron! That’s my home town!” an emotional James yelled.
“No, I said acronym—not Akron. Never mind. This is a waste of time,” the officer yelled as many abruptly left the meeting.
Update: The police unit realized all law enforcement might have to endure LeBron’s insufferable presentation, so they quickly devised a plan.
“Hey, LeBron!” a cop said pretending to be on his cell. “I’m on the phone with President Xi Jinping! You know, the Chinese President? He said you’ve done a great job and you can shut up and dribble now!”
Overjoyed, James sprinted out the door to continue his long-held tradition of losing in the Finals.
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