Acting Director of National Intelligence, Richard Grenell is preparing to declassify dozens of documents showing former President Barrack Obama playing with his dolls like a little girl, the Glorious American has learned.
“Frankly, it’s long overdue,” William Barr said in a statement. “This sort of thing has long been rumored, and the DOJ believe sunlight is the best disinfectant.”
After word that the photos would be released to the public, Obama scrambled to organize a phone call.
“Ok, guys. Remember, I’ll act like I’m casually talking to my former team members, and then someone immediately leak the audio of this call, so it looks like I got out in front of the story because it’s too beneath me to comment directly. Got it?” Obama began the call. Then the former President eloquently delivered his statement:
“Uh. This whole hubbub about my…uhhh, my uh dolls is the kinda stuff that… you uh, begin to worry about. Moreover, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ya know, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, it makes me look like a little pansy, ya know?”
As instructed, the call was leaked and CNN’s Brian Stelter jumped on the story.
“Two things struck me while listening to that phone call,” Stelter began. “One, it was nice to finally hear such a confident leader speak so eloquently. And secondly, many of us at CNN were regularly invited to the Obama White House to play dollies with the President. And I’m hearing that I’m not in any of these declassified photos! This is quite hurtful.”
At this time, Brian began to weep softly. The producers tried to throw to commercial until they remembered no companies had purchased any ad time for Stelter’s show. So, with his eyes locked onto the camera, the host did a blubbery cry for the remaining forty-one minutes of the program.