Due to the riots, Portland’s annual naked bike ride will now require all cyclists to wear head-to-toe body armor; an event rep announced Tuesday.
The decision was made after fully clothed Portland citizens were being stabbed, shot, and burnt to a crisp as they walked through the once-peaceful city (1902).
“The most important thing for our participants is safety. Well, actually being naked is the most important thing, but safety is up there,” Mayor Ted Wheeler said. “I believe Portland’s naked bike ride is the ultimate display of empowerment, liberation, and wieners. And I think that wearing 700lbs. of body armor can still achieve that.”
Going from fully nude to wearing the most equipment possible is being called a “minor tweak”, but long-time participants aren’t buying it.
“Are you kidding me?! A‘minor tweak’? I got your minor tweak right here!” yelled Josh Kirby while making a horrifying gesture. “Ok, well that’d be a lot more effective if I wasn’t already naked—but still, this is bull crap!”
Update: When Antifa saw what looked like an armed force of knights riding towards them, they viewed the cyclists as a threat and peacefully protested them to death.