A Baltimore policeman is learning the hard way that just because each officer is given a standard-issue LeBron James to handle all crime, they must be extremely careful on how they use it.
“I swear, I thought it was my gun,” a rattled officer Davis said. “It all happened so fast. A middle-school girl demanded I let her finish her knife fight, and I reached down and instinctively hurled LeBron at her. I swear I was only trying to blow her brains out, not throw a pampered, hypocritical NBA player at her. Please believe me! I’m not a savage!”
Predictably, political leaders are divided on the method the officer used on the suspect.
“It was brilliant,” Kamala Harris said. “Even though the 260lb small forward crushed the girl to death, no guns or sexual favors were used. I am impressed beyond words.”
But Republicans, sickened by the officer’s error, have extended a $150 million settlement to the victim’s family. “People go out of their way to avoid LeBron,” Don Jr. tweeted. “$150 million? Not nearly enough!”
Update: Because the cable news coverage of this incident has produced tremendous interest, the NBA has inquired to see if this exposure can count towards their ratings.