When it comes to the horrifying crime numbers coming out of New York City, there’s finally some good news. On Thursday, the consistently high number of murders plummeted to zero after the guy whose job it is to tabulate all the homicides was shot.
Daniel McGraphy was headed to work to enter hundreds of names into the homicide spreadsheets, but was shot directly in the butt. He was rushed to St. Joseph Express!–A new drive-through emergency station designed to quickly mend gunshot wounds.
“We’re sad that Daniel McGraphy’s butt was nearly blown clean off, but we could use the positive press his absence provides,” read a statement from Bill de Blasio’s office. “Not a single murder has been recorded since he was shot. And that means I’m a great leader who’s not high as I typr thieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”
Despite McGraphy healing well, he’s terrified to return to work next week. “I can’t go back there. There have been so many murders the backlog of data entry will be too much,” Daniel said staring off into space. “A bullet may not have killed me, but all that paperwork will.”
Update: Hearing that Hydroxychloroquine was a reckless and dangerous drug, McGraphy tried to take his life by overdosing on it but only ended up feeling fantastic.