In a shocking development, the 133rd Cuomo accuser has stepped forward. But this one had a much different message. A burly woman named Chrissy aggressively grabbed a microphone and issued her prepared remarks.
“After a lot of thought, I think we should keep Andrew in power. As a beautiful woman in a dress, let me tell you, I have had A LOT of unwanted sexual encounters. But Andrew was different. He was such a gentle lover. The way he looked at me with that classic Cuomo gaze where his eyeballs started to bulge out. Oh, there was so much bulging, you guys. So, please let us– I mean him, keep all the power. Thank you.”
Brian Stelter, who attended the press conference was so moved by Chrissy’s words, he quickly called his vacationing co-worker, Chris Cuomo. Stelter got his voicemail and yelled, “Hey, Chris! You know that new story your show is looking for? Well listen to THIS!” he said holding his cell towards Chrissy.
Eventually, Stelter decided to be the serious newsman he is known for and asked the woman the tough questions.
“Chrissy, on my show we covered what I find most sexy about Andrew Cuomo. But what is it for you?”
“I’ll tell you, little potato man who I’ve never met before. It was that double-barrel shotgun nose. You could ram this oversized Q-tip in there—am I right, guys?” she said holding up a massive cotton swap she had handy somehow.
Update: Claiming she had grown bored with the topic, Chrissy then spent the next thirty minutes flexing for the cameras.
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