With the country in disarray, Americans continue to turn to famed basketball dribbler and notable high school graduate LeBron James. Following an exhausting Lakers practice filled with gender pronoun drills and watching film (CNN), James issued a sobering reminder of how far this country has fallen in the wake of Donald Trump:
“Ya know, it’s getting to the point where a girl can’t even stab her friends anymore,” James said to his adoring media. “When Obama was running the show, the police would say ‘freeze!’ and that meant you had one last chance to settle a score with a knife. I mean, did the great Dr. X teach us nothing?”
Because of the recent events, LeBron and the Lakers have publicly changed their goal from winning the NBA championship to tainting the national jury pool so that all police who prevent stabbings are found guilty.
“It’s a huge opportunity for me personally,” James said. “I have every single sports employee at ESPN and TNT doing and saying exactly what I want. So now I move to each and every citizen.
Update: In a related story, LeBron will miss the next few weeks due to white supremacy.