WASHINGTON, DC – If you listen to the media, you would think Justice Clarence Thomas spent all of last month dismantling Row Vs. Wade. However, a new report shows that only 3% of Thomas’ month was spent protecting infants.
“A whopping 97% of his month was classified as ‘other services.’ These activities are things like brushing his teeth, mowing the lawn, and reading,” CNN’s Jake Tapper reluctantly reported. “In the month in question, only a small section of his planner reads ‘save the babies. Watch lib’s heads explode. Bring fresh robe just in case.'”
But the report isn’t all glowing for the Judge. Apparently, Clarence Thomas conducted his room rattling laughter during the 97% of his non-abortion-dismantling tasks.
But Planned Parenthood isn’t finding last month funny. The organization is vehemently rejecting the ‘3% myth’ about Thomas.
“Bulls—! Only 3%? No way. He spends like 99% of his time stripping away woman’s rights!” an abortion-surviving spokeswoman said. “How can the media repeat such an absurd, self-serving lie?”
The Planned Parenthood spokeswoman then made a curious admission about the organization’s future.
“We’re doomed. What Clarence Thomas did wiped out 3% of our business,” she said.
Update: It has been learned that Planned Parenthood’s 3% identifies as 100%.
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