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Cuomo To Reveal True Nursing Home Death Count If We ‘Promise Not To Be Mad’

Cuomo To Reveal True Nursing Home Death Count If We ‘Promise Not To Be Mad’

Andrew Cuomo has agreed to finally share the true nursing home death count, but there’s a catch. 

“You guys promise not to be mad?” the Governor asked the press in a sheepish tone.

Out of the three-dozen New York reporters, two of them would not promise. So they were immediately stripped of their press privileges, labeled alt-right, and asked to leave.

Cuomo reluctantly continued. 

“Ok, you guys promised you wouldn’t be mad.  So remember how New York used to have a whole bunch of old people?  And remember how no one’s seen them for ten months?”

The press began to shift nervously in their chairs.

Cuomo then looked down in shame and softly whispered, “Well, we’re all out.”

“What do you mean, ‘we’re ‘all out’?” someone yelled.  “You’re saying they’re all dead!”

“You promised you wouldn’t be mad!” Cuomo yelled pointing at the media member.

The press conference then dissolved into chaos and Cuomo reflexively grabbed the microphone and began screaming “TRUMP!” over and over.

Update:  In an effort to restore his good name, the Governor appeared on his brother’s CNN show, Nothing But Cuomos! that night.  There they performed a “Who’s on First”-style routine creatively titled, ‘Who’s Not Dead?’