Another horrifying hate crime is rocking America’s twenty-sixth biggest sport. But this time, it wasn’t a garage door rope disguised as a noose.
No, this time the assailants went for the most vicious symbol of hate known to man. A worn-out copy of a Blazing Saddles DVD was found on the NASCAR premises. Making this act even more hate crimey, the movie was planted just five garages down from legendary driver and prominent Jesse Smollett fan, Bubba Wallace.
Upon finding the disc, the FBI immediately sent all 15,000 agents down to Talladega. Soon Operation Mongo was in full swing and crime scene tape was eventually placed around the entire state of Alabama.
According to those close to Bubba, he has spent the last 24 hours at home screaming “WHY?!” like Nancy Kerrigan. Needless to say, his racing career is over and his friends and family have abandoned him.
“Bubbs was five doors down from a copy of Blazing Saddles? How can we look him in the eyes ever again?” Wallace’s mother asked.
NASCAR president, Steve Phelps was outraged at the scandal and demanded answers. “What in the wide, wide world of sports is a-going on here?!” he yelled at a press conference. “We set-up a clean, classy sport like NASCAR and this is how we’re repaid? Not on my watch! Why couldn’t it have been a classy movie, like Gone With The Wind or something?”
The media gasped and the NASCAR president was quickly informed he was now charged with the hate crime of mentioning a forbidden movie.
Update: Many of the Comey-era FBI holdovers now believe the Blazing Saddles DVD belonged to President Donald Trump.