‘Why Didn’t I Get The Vaccine?’ Cried 35-Year-Old Man While Being Eaten By Shark In Kansas Cornfield

‘Why Didn’t I Get The Vaccine?’ Cried 35-Year-Old Man While Being Eaten By Shark In Kansas Cornfield

A week ago, life for 35-year-old Kansas farmer, Daniel McHicktoof was great. He had just gotten released on $2 million bail from his January 6th Washington D.C. trip, his hobby of making memes of Joe Biden was in full swing, and his iPhone overflowed with Michael Knowles podcasts.

But as Daniel worked on his farm, a Great White Shark darted through the cornrows and attacked him Saturday.

Daniel had not been vaccinated for COVID-19.

Really think about that. Let that sink into your mind. A healthy, father of four, played the odds and lost.

As the massive fish thrashed about, Daniel was heard yelling a chilling and totally non-made-up proclamation. “Why didn’t I get the vaccine?” he cried out. “And if I’m honest, a mask couldn’t hurt in my situation either!”

Fortunately, a super progressive doctor heard the commotion and ran to Daniel’s side. She held his hand and softly whispered, “It’s too late now, you poor little idiot. It’s simply too late. Now taste the sweet death that you deserve.”

Despite the shark attack in the middle of the country, vaccination rates have not picked up steam.

“We told the science to say that both Pfizer and Moderna greatly reduce the odds of dying from land shark attacks,” CDC director, Michelle Wilensky said. “Johnson & Johnson–not so much. Mr. McHicktoof would’ve still been screwed had he taken J&J.”

Update: Much to the media’s frustration, Daniel McHicktoof survived the shark attack. Making the survivability rate of COVID still higher than getting attacked by a 23-foot, 2,500lbs White Shark in Kansas.


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