On Tuesday, Seattle man Zach McGuire was arrested for possession of a plastic bag. McGuire was brazenly using the bag in broad daylight to carry his roughly eight pounds of heroin.
Because Seattleites know plastic bags pose the largest threat to their beautiful city, concerned citizens, including several drug dealers, called the police immediately.
“What was that guy thinking?” asked prominent dealer Emerald Ice. “That’s just irresponsible. That guy needs to take a long look at his life, his decisions, and how they impact others,” Ice concluded.
The police came as soon as they heard a plastic bag was present, but there was a large amount of human feces scattered around the area, delaying their ability to apprehend the suspect.
“PUT THE BAG DOWN. Yeah, you can keep your smack. To each his own, ya know, but just DROP THE BAG!” one of the policemen screamed as they waded through trash and filth. “This will hurt the environment, you fool!”
The officers involved are taking the mandatory 5-week counseling course after encountering the dangerous bag.