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Report: Common Core Math Was Used For All Doomsday Projections

Report: Common Core Math Was Used For All Doomsday Projections

In a stunning new report, doctors and scientists are learning the models used to destroy the world’s economy were using the hip, new common core math.

It was a Houston doctor who made the discovery.

“Wait a minute,” the doctor told the CDC over the phone while looking at the graph.  “We’re entering May, but on this graph, May’s not even listed on the x-axis.  There’s just a drawing of a Teletubby.  What do we do here?”

“Oh, yes.  In the brave new common core world, May is not recognized,” A representative from the CDC explained.  “We found that ‘May’ is a terribly blunt little word.  It’s hateful and we won’t have it.  The time between April and June will now be a red Teletubby.”  

“Did you say ‘common core’?” the bewildered doctor asked.  “Is… is this why we’re all seeing the red line representing the death toll do a little loop in the month of Ma—err the month of the Teletubby?”

As the CDC rep began to explain how the graph line ‘does a little loop’ because it’s supposed to act as a fun ‘stress reliever’, the gravity of the situation began to sink in for the doctor.

“HOLD ON!” he screamed into the phone.  “ALL THESE GRAPHS SAYING EVERYONE’S GONNA DIE ARE COMMON CORE MATH?!”

“Sir!” the CDC rep sharply replied.  “If you do not lower your voice, you will be fined four sock puppets!  NOW—GET A GRIP ON REALITY!”

Update:  A new CDC model is forecasting Americans may be forced to stay at home for up to 35,000 more Glee episodes or until Michelle Obama takes office.  Whichever comes first.