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Pelosi Reluctantly Passes Stimulus Bill Without Fully Funding Liposuction For Overweight Raccoons

Pelosi Reluctantly Passes Stimulus Bill Without Fully Funding Liposuction For Overweight Raccoons

After days of partisan bickering, a stimulus bill is done.  “But without the 12.2 billion needed for raccoons struggling with their weight,” a fuming Nancy Pelosi muttered.

“As important as it is to put food on the tables for American citizens, it’s equally important to remove some food from our nation’s raccoons,” Pelosi explained.  “Republicans simply won’t address the dozens of raccoons who now struggle to fit through storm drains.  They’re getting WAY TOO CHUBBY!” she said pounding the podium.  

Without hesitation many in the media spent the day tearfully explaining how most healthcare providers will not provide elective liposuction surgery to raccoons or any other rodents for that matter.

Yesterday, things seemed to escalate when Chuck Schumer yelled out a question on The Capital steps that many are calling out of touch: 

“Would Americans rather have $3,000 to help during these turbulent times?  Or would Americans rather have fat raccoons waddling all over the place?” he yelled to the crowd.

“WE’D RATHER HAVE THE CASH!” they all yelled without hesitation.  Political analysts are calling this the worst backfire for the Democrats since the last time they did something.

Update: When Pelosi heard that members of the GOP were accusing her of filling the bill with pork, she quickly tried to add “and pork sandwiches for all the Democrats” into the bill.