In what’s being called the most brilliant political move since storing classified emails in your bathroom server, Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that cougars would be sent to live in the state’s nursing homes.
“This is your classic ‘two-birds-with-one-stone’ situation,” the governor explained to his adoring press. “We’ve been experiencing overcrowding in our local nursing homes and the department of fish and wildlife tell me they’ve spotted some cougars in upstate New York. I said ‘easy!’ Toss those mountain lions in the senior living centers and bada bing bada boom, problem solved!”
The following morning, The New York Times headline read: ‘Governor Cuomo provides emotional support cats to comfort the elderly.’ That evening, the governor was a guest on CNN’s Nothing But Cuomos! With Chris Cuomo where the two celebrated the bold and innovative leadership.
“Listen, little bro, old people love cats. You should have seen the looks on these old sacks’ faces when we began bringing the massive beasts into the nursing homes” Andrew explained. “Their eyes were the size of dinner plates!”
Following an interview, Andrew got caught in a hot-mic moment when he began screaming “CHRIS, GET MOM OUT OF SPRING MEADOWS IMMEDIATELY—HURRY! SHE’LL BE TORN TO SHREADS!”
Update: Within literally seconds of the wild beasts entering the nursing homes, they unexpectedly mauled everyone in sight. The New York Times headline the following day was: “Governor Cuomo provides wildlife enthusiasts with a peaceful transition into afterlife.”