On Monday, California scuba diver, Richard McDoofis’ shark cage malfunctioned and he was sadly torn limb from limb by a mostly peaceful Great White Shark.
Perhaps the saddest part is that the death was unnecessary. Several children were spotted twelve miles from the accident building sandcastles. Totally shark cageless.
Naturally, this recklessness caused McDoofis’ cage to fail.
When Anthony Fauci was asked to comment on the murderous children, he explained how he knows nothing about sharks, cage equipment, or scuba diving, so he’d be thrilled to educate the world on the incident.
“We needed those kids to wear a cage to protect the people in shark cages,” Fauci said. “It’s simple science. This death was so preventable. This whole thing makes me so mad… I could just… do nine or ten more TV interviews today!”
Thankfully, the coast guard reported that Richard McDoofis died a slow and painful death.
“We could have pulled him out and saved his life, but so many lifeguards quit due to the vaccine requirement. We had to wait twelve hours for Florida lifeguards to arrive,” an official said. “But Joe Biden said we executed a flawless rescue and offered us jobs running his military.”
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