America is rejoicing after the White House announced Donald Trump had fully regained his ability to do two-hundred consecutive push-ups with the clap in the middle. The media, many of whom pronounced the President dead twenty minutes after learning he had contracted COVID-19, was furious at the video Trump released showcasing his feat.
“Ok, everyone, you’re about to see what sixty years of an all-red-meat diet and french fries can do for the human body,” he said looking at the camera while shaking both of his arms to loosen them up. “Obama couldn’t even do one of these, that I can tell you.”
The President then dropped out of frame to begin his push-ups, leaving the viewers to only hear his grunts and claps. Mike Pence occasionally popped into the frame to tell everyone that Trump’s form was ‘beautiful’ and ‘perfectly exquisite’. “And those claps. I don’t often use the word angelic, but the power and grace of these claps are like that of the angel Gabriel.”
Soon, a somehow shirtless Trump arose back into frame.
“Throw me that towel, Pence. I need to wipe down,” he said extending his hand. “And remember, I’m totally immune now that I’ve dominated COVID. That towel could be crawling with COVID, or malaria or cooties, but no disease would dare mess with your favorite President after the number I just put on that virus.”
The President then gave a message of encouragement to the American people.
“So remember, if you’re ever worried about the virus, just recall the sound of my claps,” he said looking into the camera. “Mike says I clap like an angel and I always tell him to stop saying that. Now that I’ve totally dominated the disease, we’re back to only needing to fear Pelosi and salad.”