WASHINGTON, DC — In the same interview announcing his retirement, Dr. Fauci contradicted himself a record 32 times. Little did he know, the head coach of the USA gymnastics squad was watching, and he frantically reached out to the brilliant doctor.
“I’ve never seen such flipping and flopping,” the coach told Fauci over the phone. “Did I really just see you pirouette into a double flip followed by a 180° flop on live TV?”
“Well, perhaps you did,” he replied, grinning. “I call that one Crouching Fauci, Hidden Chinese Dragon.”
Following their talk, it was immediately decided that Fauci would join the other 13-year-old girls on the official US gymnast team. The doctor was anointed team captain and introduced himself.
“Thank you for welcoming me, girls. And you don’t need to call me ‘Doctor’. Please, call me The Science,” he said before imparting some great flipping and flopping lessons.
“I don’t feel it’s prudent to wear masks on the balance beams today,” Fauci said before quickly changing his tune.
“Dammit, Simone! Did you take off your mask? The [explicit] is the matter with you?” Fauci screamed as he dove into the foam pit, fearing for his life.
After a great day of flip-flopping all over the place, Dr. Fauci turned his focus to the vaccine. As expected, he demanded all the girls get seven or eight booster shots.
Update: When all the girls returned from getting their vaccines at Wal-Greens, a devastated Fauci fell to his knees and covered his face with his hands.
“What have you done?” He whispered in horror. “Why would you put something so reckless and dangerous into your young arms?”
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