If you’re a small business owner, get ready for some good news. Democrats announced today that if you can quickly convert your store into a Walmart franchise, you will be allowed to reopen.
“Republicans who keep saying democrats are being unreasonable are simply lying,” Chuck Schumer said. “All these business owners have to do is pay the $14,000 Walmart franchise application fee, wait 10 months and if you’re approved you will go on the waiting list for a few years. Then boom! You’re in business after you’ve completed the mandatory remodeling and expanded your parking lot to hold 2,000 vehicles.”
“I don’t understand how I’m supposed to do this,” said a deli owner in Eugene, Oregon with two locations. “My family only specializes in pastrami and potato salad—not running Walmarts. Also, each of our shops are already in a Walmart shopping center.”
But Oregon Governor, Kate Brown doesn’t want to hear any excuses.
“You’ll reopen as a Walmart, one of your daughters will run the automotive and tire center and you’ll like it!” Brown screamed. “You’re a business owner—that means you have an unlimited supply of cash. Stop whining and pay us the 8.6 million that the average Walmart brings the state in taxes!”