By now you’ve seen the 2-minute CIA recruitment video featuring Nathan, the agency’s first-ever knife-wielding, paranoid schizophrenic, pansexual hire.
“BlaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAHHHHHHHH!!!” screamed Nathan in the inspiring video. “They’re listening to me right now! You’ll never find the Squirrel King!”
As the video continued, the voice of John Brennan proudly described what the hire means to the CIA.
“As a paranoid schizophrenic, Nathan brings a certain energy to the agency. His knife keeps America’s enemies at bay while reminding our allies they shouldn’t relax either. He’ll literally kill anyone. The hallmark of a good public servant. And as the saying goes, if you want a competent national security team, put a pansexual in charge. This means Nathan will only make love to pots and pans. Though Nathan has faced his share of discrimination, especially in the cookware aisle of Bed, Bath & Beyond, the CIA has welcomed him with open arms.”
As footage of Nathan scaling the lobby fountain and throwing cheese at the camera crew rolled, the narration continued:
“Hiring Nathan wasn’t just box-checking. No way,” Brennan said. “We just couldn’t believe we found a pansexual schizophrenic. We hired him because we didn’t have one of those.”
Reports are Nathan is on track to be the director of waterboarding. “He’s a natural,” an official said. “And once he learns to stop trying to cut the heads off everyone with his knife, he’ll be even better.”