In an effort to keep Californians in a perpetual state of fear, the state has officially changed its motto to “We’re two weeks behind Italy”.
“This phrase will forever remind us to prepare for what’s happening in Italy right now,” Gavin Newsom said at the new flag’s unveiling. “From now until the day we die—which will probably be in roughly two weeks, we should all stay huddled in our apartments, in a chronic state of panic for what’s to come. It’s what our founding fathers, Ben and Jerry would have wanted.”
In addition to the updated motto, the flag now shows the iconic grizzly bear wearing a facemask. “Well, there’s some great history about that bear,” Newsom cheerfully explained to the press. “Originally, that bear didn’t have a mask on because the experts told him he’d be a complete idiot to wear one. But then, our experts saw the beast walking around without a mask and screamed ‘Hey! You selfish, anti-science idiot! Put a mother [explicit] facemask on! I tell you what, that bear is a real piece of work. A real idiot, right?” Newsom said laughing.
Critics are pointing out that politicians have been using this slogan since mid-March and the massive spike in overcrowded hospitals Italy saw never occurred in the United States. To which Newsom replied, “Well, we’re still technically two weeks behind an arbitrary point in time of my choosing, so get your facts straight, pal,” he snapped. “More importantly, this is how progressives lead. Sometimes it’s two weeks behind; sometimes it’s two decades. But we always seem to get it right in the end.”