Do you remember when the government forbid you from earning a living during the last ten months? Well, it looks like help is on the way. Yes, your bank account will soon say $600.21 after congress recently approved a $32 Trillion stimulus package, of which 4% will go to struggling Americans.
To explain just how generous congress is, Nancy Pelosi turned to her trusty over-sized poster board to explain.
“And for those of you still griping, I would kindly ask you to turn your fat faces towards this board,” she eloquently said. “You see here? Each check is almost enough to buy three of my favorite gourmet ice creams! And do you remember how much [explicit] I took about how expensive these are? So yeah, that’s a lot of money for you disgusting deplora—I mean, fine citizens.”
“Who’s your ice cream guy, Nance?” Jerry Nadler loudly interrupted. “You’re paying way too much. My guy is an even $50 per quart!”
After shushing Nadler and giving him the I’ll-cut-your-throat gesture, she continued.
“And I would assume most mortgage companies are now accepting gourmet ice cream as payment, so you see? You’ll all be fine. We’ll rid ourselves of this pesky capitalism—I mean virus very soon.”