Shortly after moving their All-Star game from 1862 to modern-day Denver, Colorado, Major League Baseball was blindsided again and forced to find a new host city.
After setting up for the big game, Media Matters sent a tweet showing that over 34% of Colorado citizens are registered gun owners.
“Welp. Pack it up again, everyone!” MLB commissioner, Rob Manfred yelled waving his finger in a circular motion above his head. “We don’t feel people with guns properly represent China—I mean baseball fans! Also, a CNN study assumes 34% of the crowd would begin indiscriminately firing guns at the players. Therefore, we must leave this backward state.”
To avoid people with guns, MLB has announced that the new host for their 2021 All-Star game will be the Texas Ranger’s Stadium in Arlington, Texas.
“Finally. We’re free from controversy and the liberals are happy and content! Play ball!” the commissioner yelled to the Texas crowd. Unfortunately, every man, woman, and child in the audience celebrated by firing off a gun in each hand.
Update: Media Matters has informed MLB that major cable and satellite providers broadcast Tucker Carlson Tonight within Texas. Frustrated but still desperate to please Democrats, MLB has decided to play soccer.