A furious Eric Swalwell stormed out of his house Thursday to confront the reporters gathered on his lawn. He demanded to set the record straight after it was learned that, due to his inability to make any real friends, the Chinese government filled his life with spies.
Unfortunately for the congressman, he forgot he was in a full-body Hello Kitty costume as he took to the microphones.
“Alright, listen up!” Swalwell yelled. “Anything to do with China angers me! I find their whole culture a bit strange, if I’m honest. Now leave me alone! Unless any of you want to come inside and play— I mean, have a beer!”
“Are you aware you’re dressed as a giant Hello Kitty doll right now?” a reporter from Newsmax yelled.
Stunned with panic, and loudly breaking wind, Swalwell slowly looked down at his outfit in horror.
“I…I can explain this,” he whispered. “It was Donald Trump who has dressed me like this. Yes! I’m certain it was him. Brennan will back me up on that.”
All the press (except Newsmax) immediately ran with the headline “Donald Trump Forces Swalwell To Dress Like A 9-Year-Old Chinese Girl For His Amusement.”
Update: The Chinese government is now distancing itself from the California congressman, calling him the “stinky pet” of their espionage program.
“Swalwell so stupid,” Xi Jinping said. “We try to get American secret, and he just fart! All da time! Only fart!”