Los Angeles, CA– Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard has released another message for the world. Oddly, this time it was a handwritten message tied to a brick and thrown through a window of the LA Times.
According to Hubbard, Scientologists are getting a little freaked out by Democrats.
“Liberals need to relax and let people live their own lives for goodness sake,” John Travolta commented. If any of us Scientologists break a rule we’re forced to spend ten days in a well, but those libs seem a little too strict and controlling. Our lizard-god, Zorb eats the brains of the unclean, but he never did that creepy whisper thing Joe Biden does.”
In the study, Scientologists isolated prominent Democrats and conducted ‘audits’ on them, (a process designed to confess immoral thoughts and actions).
“These people have no shame! They confessed to sins we didn’t even know existed!” a leader yelled after interviewing CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “We’ve written over 2,000 books on sexual immorality and we were flipping through pages like crazy to learn what Anderson was talking about. When he gladly admitted to ‘Oreo bucketing a whodilly’ our little machine broke! These guys are freaking weird!”
Update: The Church of Scientology, which demands each member donate tens of thousands of dollars, now believes Janet Yellen’s tax plan is ‘a little steep.’
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