On Tuesday House Democrats quietly added “failure to make our daddies love us” into the articles for impeachment.
After members of the media questioned this surprising addition, Pelosi reluctantly elaborated.
“Well, it’s a completely undisputed fact,” the Speaker began. “When I’m sitting across from the President in the Oval Office and he says something like, ‘can it, Nancy—stop being such a doofus!’ it is an unmistakably familiar feeling. Trump and my father have clearly been colluding. How else can it be explained?”
While Pelosi was her usual steely self, Jerry Nadler, already openly weeping, was far less composed.
“YEAH!” he yelled grabbing the microphone from Nancy. “Why don’t you just LEAVE ME ALONE! I told you I DON’T LIKE FOOTBALL, DAD—I mean TRUMP!!” he hollered to mostly bewildered press.
Nadler waddled to the closest exit, screamed “I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE!” and slammed the door.
It was then left to Adam Schiff to clean up what was left of the press conference.
“I too share Nadler’s blubbering concerns,” Schiff explained. “This President somehow in an effort to throw Democrats off their game and win reelection, worked with all our fathers years ago and instructed them to mock us and tell us to get haircuts. ‘WHAT’S THE MATTER, YOU LITTLE PANSY?’ Trump probably made my father scream at me, yelled Schiff clearly beginning to improvise. ‘WHAT? YOU GONNA CRY?!’ My dad taunted while smacking the back of my head. It’s sad to learn that he was being coerced by Trump that whole time.”
UPDATE: The Democrats, feeling these reasons for impeachment might be a bit weak, have now added: “Not being a snappy dresser” to the articles of impeachment against the President.