BURBANK, CA — This Halloween, Paramount Pictures will be rereleasing their 1960’s, hit Psycho. Only this time, they’ve digitally edited out Norman Bates for perhaps the most terrifying villain ever to hit the screen.
The 91-year-old insurrectionist, who goes by ‘Meemaw,’ has given many Americans nightmare fuel after slowly shuffling through the Capitol building holding a knife she fashioned to look like an American flag.
“Alfred Hitchcock lived in a simpler time. In his day, getting stabbed in the shower was considered a scary thing. He never experienced January 6th,” a studio executive said. “No, the human mind cannot conjure the horror that is Meemaw. I’ve seen some of the remastered footage. Norman Bates looks like a reasonable man compared to her.”
A private screening of the new Psycho was played for the few surviving Capitol Hill Policemen. “This is how I’m going to die,” many of the officers muttered in unison when Meemaw was first shown smiling and waving on screen.
But adding the most dangerous villain in human history is not without its challenges. Because meticulously adding Meemaw into each scene was so traumatic for progressive film editors, 90% of Paramount’s digital team quit over the project. The studio is also scrambling to find a rating that properly prepares the viewers.
You just can’t slap a simple ‘R’ rating on and think you’re going to be okay,” said an editor who quit due to the seizures caused by seeing the elderly insurrectionist. “When millions of people see Meemaw, the woman who came within inches of overthrowing democracy, pop up? You’re going to have a riot on your hands. The bad kind!”
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