Most WWE wrestlers moonlight as foreign affairs experts and John Cena is no exception. So after reviewing his latest Fast & Furious film, Cena noticed a grave and insensitive error that will certainly outrage the Chinese Communist Party.
He posted an apology video in Mandarin, addressing the sin:
“We were way out of line for using cars in our movie. We should have used those rickshaw things you guys like so much. They’re much better than cars and everyone at Universal Pictures has a lot of listening and learning to do.”
Cena is demanding the studio digitally remaster all forty-nine Fast & Furious films without cars. “Rickshaw street races will do just fine,” he said. “In fact, I think ancient Chinese rickshaws had NOS switches in them too, so this will work.”
Despite his apology being resoundingly mocked, Cena seemed to impress LeBron James a great deal. The Lakers forward tearfully praised the wrestler’s bravery and challenged all the NBA owners to completely abandon their cars and travel exclusively by rickshaws.
“I’ll still need my cars and planes, but we owe this to China. They’ve had a rough 2020!” James shouted on Instagram.
Update: The NBA has compromised by forcing all WNBA teams to travel across the nation via rickshaw. The Seattle Storm will host the New York Liberty in roughly thirteen years.