When the Walt Disney studios green-lit another chapter to the popular Indiana Jones franchise, they knew audiences needed the most spectacular adventure yet. Not only has Disney delivered on a story arc that will leave audiences both astonished and mystified, but the latest film is also guaranteed to be far superior to any that came before.
“We’ve decided to have Indy be played by an African-American, so we can literally sue any film critic who doesn’t think it’s the best version,” a Disney spokesman said.
And just wait until you hear the plot.
“Wrestling with Nazis and dodging car-sized boulders, this is basically what American 20-year-olds already do in their free time,” Disney said in a statement. “We needed our hero to do something truly impossible. Ya know, blow the minds of viewers. We decided to have our black Indiana Jones try to obtain a legal photo I.D.”
The film is rumored to have Indy, an Obama-type scholar, narrowly avoiding the snares of a Hobby Lobby shift manager (played by Ann Coulter) who refuses to pay for her employee’s birth control. In a captivating scene, Jones seamlessly replaces the business’s freedom with a sack of contraception.
But in the end, Indy must defeat Coulter at the ballot box.
“At this point, the audience is thinking; this is a wrap. There’s no way a black adult can get an I.D. to vote. As Joe Biden once told us, ‘black people don’t know how to use the Internet.”
In the 190-minute movie, a flustered Indiana Jones sits at his computer and screams in anguish for 163 of those minutes.
Update: Disney does not usually give away spoilers to their films, but the company found it important to reveal that ‘movie magic and special effects have only come so far’ and that Jones was never able to acquire a Photo I.D.