MALIBU, CA–This week Tucker Carlson rudely noticed that Joe Biden is a ferocious pervert who will stop at nothing to abuse young girls. This posed a problem for Alyssa Milano, the fictional president’s biggest fan.
After Ashley Biden’s diary outlined how her father insisted on showering with her entire 5th-grade class, Milano found herself needing to ‘believe all women’ while also discrediting Carlson’s report of Joe’s rich history of sexual abuse.
“Joe Biden, who is well known in Washington as an expert showerer, simply wants America’s youth to know his bathing secrets,” Milano explained in a radio interview. “But think about this; if Biden had ever touched a girl inappropriately, there’d probably be a bunch of internet memes about it, ya know?”
Unfortunately for Republicans, this logic is airtight. If it’s true that the internet is bone dry with memes of Biden being inappropriate with girls, the fictional President’s reputation will remain forever unblemished.
Also, in the interview, Milano revealed a “mystical formula” for always knowing who’s truly guilty of sexual assault. “If they have a ‘D’ next to their name,” she whispered into the microphone. “I think it stands for “Didn’t rape anyone.”
Update: To Milano’s amazement, Joe Biden himself was waiting for her in her car as she left the radio studio. Despite not remembering who she was, Biden was able to get a few sniffs of her hair before she eventually screamed, “HELP! I THINK JOE’S DOING HIS BRETT KAVANAUGH IMPRESSION!”
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