WASHINGTON, DC – In need of a little positive economic news, fictional president Joe Biden will mandate all businesses lockdown for one day starting on Tuesday.
When asked, Biden said the stay-at-home order was because “The monkey pop is coming, and no one’s butt is safe.” But skeptics believe the real reason was given at the White House press briefing.
“By Wednesday morning, when all the businesses reopen, we suspect this administration will have seen record-breaking job creation. To the tune of 158 million,” Karine Jean-Pierre proudly hinted. “And to all the people who said this White House relied on stupid, cheap stunts for positive press, I will accept your apologies on Wednesday.”
A leaked New York Times front page showed the confused president with a halo above his head. The headline reading: ‘Joe Biden: Job Creator god of gods.’
“158 million jobs created in less than 24 hours? Donald Trump never did that,” CNN’s Don Lemon said. “This is a massive economic pop. I’ve not seen a pop like this since the monkeypox blister on my… well, I’ll just say, this thing is big.”
Update: As the sun lowered across the United States on Monday evening, the Biden White House took a victory lap for lowering the temperature 22𐩑.
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